blacK solitude

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Ann's back frm NewYork...
today's first lesson
strict..
v strict..
but strangely..
i prefer it tis way
she placed alot of emphasis on her moves..
wat moves she want
hw she want us to do
and not we doin her steps in our way

wahhhh...
really strict leh...
until im kinda stressed up during e clz..
cos somehw..
thou she din pinpoint whoever is doin her steps wrongly..
i'll owiz hav the thinkin tat she's referrin to me... >_____<
but the choreo..
really nice.. and fun..
ha.. truly enjoyed doin the steps....

mmmmy
a all noe smthing...
act..im stil pretty lost..
abt where im supposed to be heading..
suddenly i feel lyk
my life..
im living it so aimlessly..
wat happen to all my dreams?
my initial goals?
where hav they all gone..?

i realised..
that im too scared..
too afraid..
to even go out and purse them..
why am i scared?
cos i tink
im afraid to fail...

yes..
i tink im really scared..
im scared to make decisions
cos im scared i'll make e wrong decisions..
i don lyk to do things...
if i've got totally no confidence in it..
im scared..
but....the funny thing is
i lyk to take risks..
or mayb.. i tink i lyk to take risks...
yet.. im actually scared to do so?

how contradicting it sounds...
tinkin back..
i tink.. if someone encourages me..
gives me their support...
give me confidence...
pushes me towards doin smthing..
i noe i'll do it.. w/o fail... w/o any probs.. i wont giv up..
okie..
i tink ..
all i nid is assurance bah..
perhaps.. frm young..
my parents.. they don really ctrl me..
as in.. they don make decisions for me..
they don hav any high expectations in me..
not bcos they tink i cannot make it.. lol..
but rather.. they don wanna giv me unneeded stress..
as long as..
im able to grad successfully...
work hard or not.. is totally up to me..
they even don mind..
if i suddenly wanna quit sch..wanna work..
they don mind..
when i ask them tat qns when i was in my sec times..
im too free..
yes..i lyk being free..
but..such things..
i seriously.. nid someone to guide me along..
cos..i tink..im really scared to make a decision...
cos i feel..
watever decision i make..
it'll definately affect ppl ard me..
and obviously..
it'll affect me..
it'll change my whole life...
and tat may not be totally wat i planned or wanted initially...
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
just tel me wat to do k ?
im a follower..
not a leader

haizzzzzzzzzzzzz
i cant help but to tink..
im a thinker..
i kip tinkin.
non-stop....
i...............
i jus cant stop tinkin..
but at times..
i dunno wat im tinkin either..
i'll jus daze off... drift off...
when ppl ask.. i'll jus say im tinkin bout stuffs...
when im not actually.. but i tot i am..
it's gettin more n more confusing rite?
haha...
nvm..
no one can truly und someone totally...
not even ur closest frens..
no one can say he/she really und me..c
os i dun even und myself sometimes...
hw can they?
no one.. no one really noe my secrets..
my darkest secrets..
i cant possibly let everyone noe..
okie.. mayb nt everyone.. only those whom im close with..
but..
darkest secrets..it's oredi meant to be a secret..
secrets aren't supposed to be let out.. rite?
which means i cant say...
not even to my closest frens..
cos if i do say it out..
it's nt a secret anymore isn't it ?
don ask me wat's my darkest secrets..
actually i dunno..
then i'll b tinkin again..
haha...aiyah...
don tel me...
u go bout lettin everyone noe everything bout urself?
cant be ma rite..
cos..wont u feel... too exposed?
lyk...ppl can see thru u..
ppl noes every single thing abt u ...
be it gd or bad..
tat's jus too much..
cant...
for me..
i'll feel lyk.. i cant hide frm anyone..
i'll b too exposed...
im lyk.. an open book..
everyone read bout me...
cant...which is why..
i owiz believe tat..
no matter hw close u and ur frens are..
there bound to be some hidden secrets within each other..
and..
it's really totally acceptable... :)

okie..tis entry...seriously...
i dunno wat im typing...
jus kinda sayin things out..
mayb abit no link frm e start...
lol..
nevertheless..
im off...
off to my thinking land again... : )

guess im owiz the last few to be picked..
last few to noe abt wat's happening...
i tink i shd stop..
why am i feelin so screwed up?
damn
tis feelin sux

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 2:42 AM

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