blacK solitude

Friday, March 31, 2006

great
jus when i tot my day cldn't get any worst
the same prob occur again
how wonderful life is
to be surrounded by such freakin probs
such freakin probs
really ruin my whole entire day
including my next day..
actuallythe whole week

lovely
i jus love the way how she says it
how it's owiz abt me
ya..
my attitude
ya..
i shd change it
ya..
im nt a gd daughter

terrific
im owiz the one in da wrong
im owiz the one giving probs to my parents..
to my WHOLE FAMILY
ya..
it's owiz me
boy..
im so honoured to the DA ONE in the family
im so proud of myself

do u see me on tat damn phone every single night?
do u see me slpin late every freakin night?
do u ?
no..
u don...
so don ASSUME

such a simple qns i've asked
u cannot even ans..
u cannot even reply
instead
u beat ard the bush
saying
i shdn't speak to u in UR attitude
instead
i shd reflect
think abt my own actions
i shd change
i shd compromise
great..
it's me again isnt it ?
u don lyk me to use hp at home..
fine
then i'll use it somewhere else
don blame me
if i dun go back
why?
bcos im freakin nt allowed to use MY HP AT MY SO-CALLED HSE IN MY OWN BEDRM !

oops..
forgot..
the bedrm aint mine either..
it belongs to MY SIS !
great..
im better off living at some streets..
oh no..
guess..
some streets.. might b taken by those roaming cats..rats??
ya..
they own the place..
i've got nowhere to go..

so tis is wat ppl call family ?
i get it..
wher one member definately must be the black sheep of the family izit?
ahh..
great..
im the black sheep ?
so i see..
i und..
no nid to explain.
u said
u can cancel the line anytime..
cos it's under ur name
but u didnt
why?
cos u wanna give me another chance?
boy..
im really touched by that action of urs..
seriously
i can go sign up a new line anytime..
cos why?
im eligible..
try stopping me then..

u said
u oredi compromise
u oredi gave in to me
wat izzit abt me tat's so hard living together!
wat izzit ?!
tel me frank
tel me straight
don lemme guess
i HATE guessing games!
don beat ard the bush anymore
if u don lyk wat i do
TELL ME

i cant bear tis anymore
u tink it's funnie ?
u tink.. i dun care at all ?
u tink..im not a human?
tat i dun hav any feelings?
u're so goddam wrong..

am i such a terrible person... ?
if so..
tell me..
i...i...
i'll noe wat to do..
if it makes u happy...
i'll do it...

why am i..
crying over such things?
why does it hurt so much
when i saw u
shaking ur head looking down
when u left my rm ?
is tat a sign of giving up on me ?
did u regret tat u gave birth to me ?
did u??
did u??!!

why does more and more probs kip coming up?
my life aint empty
u noe?
god..
it aint empty..
it's full of sorrowness
it's full of bitterness
it's full of saddness
don come in no more....

please....

i nid no consoling frm nobody...
i giv no explanation
don ask
i dun wish to say any more
jus let things be..
the way it is...

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 3:03 PM

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Ann's back frm NewYork...
today's first lesson
strict..
v strict..
but strangely..
i prefer it tis way
she placed alot of emphasis on her moves..
wat moves she want
hw she want us to do
and not we doin her steps in our way

wahhhh...
really strict leh...
until im kinda stressed up during e clz..
cos somehw..
thou she din pinpoint whoever is doin her steps wrongly..
i'll owiz hav the thinkin tat she's referrin to me... >_____<
but the choreo..
really nice.. and fun..
ha.. truly enjoyed doin the steps....

mmmmy
a all noe smthing...
act..im stil pretty lost..
abt where im supposed to be heading..
suddenly i feel lyk
my life..
im living it so aimlessly..
wat happen to all my dreams?
my initial goals?
where hav they all gone..?

i realised..
that im too scared..
too afraid..
to even go out and purse them..
why am i scared?
cos i tink
im afraid to fail...

yes..
i tink im really scared..
im scared to make decisions
cos im scared i'll make e wrong decisions..
i don lyk to do things...
if i've got totally no confidence in it..
im scared..
but....the funny thing is
i lyk to take risks..
or mayb.. i tink i lyk to take risks...
yet.. im actually scared to do so?

how contradicting it sounds...
tinkin back..
i tink.. if someone encourages me..
gives me their support...
give me confidence...
pushes me towards doin smthing..
i noe i'll do it.. w/o fail... w/o any probs.. i wont giv up..
okie..
i tink ..
all i nid is assurance bah..
perhaps.. frm young..
my parents.. they don really ctrl me..
as in.. they don make decisions for me..
they don hav any high expectations in me..
not bcos they tink i cannot make it.. lol..
but rather.. they don wanna giv me unneeded stress..
as long as..
im able to grad successfully...
work hard or not.. is totally up to me..
they even don mind..
if i suddenly wanna quit sch..wanna work..
they don mind..
when i ask them tat qns when i was in my sec times..
im too free..
yes..i lyk being free..
but..such things..
i seriously.. nid someone to guide me along..
cos..i tink..im really scared to make a decision...
cos i feel..
watever decision i make..
it'll definately affect ppl ard me..
and obviously..
it'll affect me..
it'll change my whole life...
and tat may not be totally wat i planned or wanted initially...
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
just tel me wat to do k ?
im a follower..
not a leader

haizzzzzzzzzzzzz
i cant help but to tink..
im a thinker..
i kip tinkin.
non-stop....
i...............
i jus cant stop tinkin..
but at times..
i dunno wat im tinkin either..
i'll jus daze off... drift off...
when ppl ask.. i'll jus say im tinkin bout stuffs...
when im not actually.. but i tot i am..
it's gettin more n more confusing rite?
haha...
nvm..
no one can truly und someone totally...
not even ur closest frens..
no one can say he/she really und me..c
os i dun even und myself sometimes...
hw can they?
no one.. no one really noe my secrets..
my darkest secrets..
i cant possibly let everyone noe..
okie.. mayb nt everyone.. only those whom im close with..
but..
darkest secrets..it's oredi meant to be a secret..
secrets aren't supposed to be let out.. rite?
which means i cant say...
not even to my closest frens..
cos if i do say it out..
it's nt a secret anymore isn't it ?
don ask me wat's my darkest secrets..
actually i dunno..
then i'll b tinkin again..
haha...aiyah...
don tel me...
u go bout lettin everyone noe everything bout urself?
cant be ma rite..
cos..wont u feel... too exposed?
lyk...ppl can see thru u..
ppl noes every single thing abt u ...
be it gd or bad..
tat's jus too much..
cant...
for me..
i'll feel lyk.. i cant hide frm anyone..
i'll b too exposed...
im lyk.. an open book..
everyone read bout me...
cant...which is why..
i owiz believe tat..
no matter hw close u and ur frens are..
there bound to be some hidden secrets within each other..
and..
it's really totally acceptable... :)

okie..tis entry...seriously...
i dunno wat im typing...
jus kinda sayin things out..
mayb abit no link frm e start...
lol..
nevertheless..
im off...
off to my thinking land again... : )

guess im owiz the last few to be picked..
last few to noe abt wat's happening...
i tink i shd stop..
why am i feelin so screwed up?
damn
tis feelin sux

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 2:42 AM

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

busy busy busy busy

im so busy....

busy busy busy....

busy tinkin...

tinkin tinkin tinkin...

busy tinkin of wat to do...

busy busy busy

no time to blog...

busy busy busy...

oh no !!!!!!!!!!

past my bedtime !!!

time to slp !!!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

im busy... busy busy.......

wad am i supposed to do !!!!!!!!!!!!!
don tel me k...
don suggest..
don...
don...

arGhh...

im busy...

tink tink tink tink tink tink !!!!

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 2:01 AM

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

hey guys..
it's been such a looooooooooonggggggggg time since i've last updated..
miss me?
bet u do..

DON LIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

lol

well..
im back frm the camp
in case those who din noe
im being workin as a camp instructor for Chong Boon Sec (amk area) for e past 3 days.. (8th - 10th March)

yesssssssssssssss..........
surprise surprise surprise... !!
camp instructor !!
lol...

well...it's al over..
im physically and emotionally drained out..
why ?
cos...
i've gotta look after my grp of kids... (13 sec 2's ppl)
making sure that none of dem runs off when im nt lookin..
hav to shout at dem at times when they're nt listening to the leader..
blah blah blah...
v tiring to look after secondary kids leh!!!
wat de..
pissed off..
LOL...

eh... some more!!!!!!!!!
must do so many shit things... na ma... LOL...
pls lemme complain!eh..
must look after the kids..
become their nanny..
think of ice breaking games...
play and talk cock with them
be nice to them
cannot scold or punish them... na ma...
then stil must play stupid games with them..
lyk walkin ard amk with them under da blazing hot sun for 4 hrs !!!!!!!
then stil nid to do this.. do tat... na ma..................!!
at nite stil mus do duty...
watch out for the kids...
mornin stil nid to wake up early.... !!!! at 7 plus !!! --__--

tired bo ?
u tel me nt tired?
i tel u go jia sai.
eat shit k
eat shit
LOL...

har nar!!!
v secondary ....
diam lah!!
i giv u 5 secs to sit down !!
diam !!
go wat toilet?
3 mins come back !!!
LOL....
u shut up !!
see wat see..
buay song come beat me lah..
lol...

aiyaayayayay
my head pain le...
once i tink of them
lol..
buden again..
my grp of kids..
stil quite okie..
only got some problematic kids... >__<
at least...
i got 1 potential leader helping me..
he damn steady... lol..
owiz take initiative..
wow..
he won my heart n respect over.. lol...
*ooHHhhhhh*

anyway...
i do miss those kids..
hahaha..
it's fun being with them thou...
brings back those sweet memories of me being a peer support leader when i was in sec...
i took care of sec ones during tat time.. =)

hehehehe..
alrite...
im back to my bed again...
tired..
tiring...
lol...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 9:53 PM

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Friday, March 03, 2006

wrong

i was wrong
i was so freaking wrong abt it..

wronnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

how nice of it

how nice for my day to end tis way..

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 2:55 AM

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