blacK solitude

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

2005 has left...
2006 awaits...
a new year for me...
wld it be better?
i certainly hope so...

everyone is making their new yr resolutions...
wat's mine?

mmm...
be happier?
haha... i'll try..
but tat's hard...
let's skip tat one...

mmm... show more love and concern to my family members more?
yup... i promise i'll do that one...
after seeing back 2005...
i'll definately treasure them more than anythin in this world...

mmm.. do a good deed every single day...
helps to brighten up my day too... =)

and....
try to at least.... get in touch with all my other close frens..
i dun wanna neglect u guys...
bcos of dance... >_<
and... i wanna manage my time well....
i sux at time management..
which explains why... im owiz doin things last min...
and i dun lyk it at all...

pls... if any of u...
hav any idea on how to make me more organized...
able to handle everythin properly...do teach me...
i'll b more than willing to be ur tu di... ^^

oh... not to forget...
to attend more of my religion activities...
i've been missing out alot alot alot...i wanna go back again...

ah har... suddenly thought of one last resolution...
i wanna become stronger...
i'll cry no more....
i'll b strong...
not gonna appear so weak... so fragile...so emotional...every single time...
not gonna owiz let ppl bully me.... !

i'll be strong...
and stronger... !!
and positive too !!! =)

*beWwWarEEEe*

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My first day of 2006...
was horrible...
i actually felt lyk i was dying...

i felt sick...
very sick...
yet i stil went for dance prac.. at xin's place...
cos i tot im okie...

but... i can merely full out ...
can merely mark the steps..
every part of my body seems to hurt by jus moving a small step...

it's so freakin cold.... and hot at the same time....
i took the train back... immediately fell aslp....
wanna cont taking the train...
but saw too many...
dark ppl...
waitin for the train too...
i noe i nid to sit dw and rest...
no choice...
force myself to walk... to the bus stop...
and wait for 174....

once on e bus... i sat down...
and fell into a deep deep slp...
hw sweet...
no dreams interupting me when im slping....
but it seems lyk... every beautiful things has to end soon...
and i woke up.... got down... to change bus...

i drag... yes... drag... my feet to the bus stop...
i dun dare to cross at red light... even though there's no cars...
cos...i noe...
i wont hav the strength to run if there's cars coming....
i waited...
so many... dark ppl ard me...
scared....

then bus came... once onboard...
my teeth started chattering .... i started shivering....
i cannot hold any longer...
why isnt anyone here?

finally... my stop... i reached...
drag myself back to home...
i cried when walking back...
too painful....
too much...
head feel lyk it's on fire... so hot.... so heavy... so much pain....
for a moment...
yes...
i admit i pity myself....

walked back... with my head down.... all e way...
till im back home...
bathed... and changed out of my clothes....
the freezing water scalded me... so painful...
force myself to search for medicine...took it...
and again...
i went into a deep deep slp....

how terrible...
to fall sick....
and to fall sick...
when no one noes...
even if i really died outside...
wld anyone noe ?
wld my frens noe ?
mayb....
mayb... when they read the newspapers the next day... or watch the tv...
or mayb... try to get me... for the studio key?
haha...
mayb....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

alot of ppl ask me....
why are u sad?
wat's wrong with u.,.. ?
most of the times..
i don reply...i simply shrugged my shoulders...
or i smiled back...and say..." nth is wrong ah.. im perfectly okie... siao... "

tat's bcos... i dunno wat's hurting me so much too....
i cant force the words out of my mouth....
but....
then....
i finally found out the ans....
on...
new year's eve....
tat sat....

my heart bleeds...
it's oredi in pieces...
why?
bcos of the ppl related to my heart....

u noe who u are....though i may not say it out....
every lil action... every word.... every thing u do....it's all link up....
you may not hav hurt me directly ....
but...
seeing the saddness in u...i feel the pain...
and it's...
twice the pain....

my family...how sad i am....
during tat period of them...
bcos of them..
now...
it's getting better... whole lot better....
tat side of my heart is healing... rapidly...

but on tat day...

the other side of my heart.... bleeds...
and breaks into pieces....
as i try to coax myself to slp...
i find tat...
my heart... really hurts...
it's tightening....
no kidding....

seeing.....
ppl.... not treasuring themselves...
not loving themselves...
i feel extremely helpless...

i noe...when i kip quiet...
u all feel helpless too...
i dun nid much...
i dun ask for much...
all i nid to recover fast...
is to see happiness in u all....

when i ask.. tell me...
if u don tel me...
how am i supposed to help u?
don shot me with wat i've said to you...
if you wan me to be happy..
then start letting me noe...
wat's da matter with you....

tat's the only way i can be really happy...

i see happiness in someone oredi...
and im very happy...
that cheered me up....
i promise i wont abandon u....
i'm just letting someone doing my job for u....

as for the rest....
pls don ever giv up....
cos im owiz here..... =)

*Beams chose to break the day*

*Yet unharmed creatures get away*

*Astonished, flabbergast, so i say*

*Joy will be coming somewhere in may*

*Show Me now and i'll give in the way*

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 11:35 PM

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