blacK solitude

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I've been clubbing...for the past 2 days...
Fri to zouk....Sat to Liquid Room...

im so tired...
is my life... back to clubbing again ? i dunno man... though i do really enjoyed it... cos i love dancing...

argh man.. i dunno wat i want either...i jus wanna drown myself with liqour...dance... enjoy myself... let my hair down.. let loose everything...
if it only helps to forget my troubles...

yes.. i noe... im only lying to myself... cos i noe.. doing all these.. wont help to solve any of my problems...in fact... it'll only create more troubles...

and.. i feel lyk.. everytime.. i tried to luff.. to enjoy myself...the problems... they jus keep popping up in my head... making it really hard for me to enjoy...

i dunno why... ppl ask me..wat's wrong with me?
i dunno.. i dunno hw to say.. only then i realised... im not expressive... i dunno hw to express myself in the correct way.. or rather... in the way where ppl cld understand.. and not feel
offended by my words or actions..

i noe frens are concerned... but at times.. i really dunno hw to say... wat i shd say... so i chose to keep quiet..
i noe for sure... tat im a frank person.. i speak wat's on my mind.. sometimes.. w/o even realising tat i've hurt ppl... until i reflect and tink back on wat i've said..

but...i dun tink it's bad to b frank.. to b honest... i lyk to speak up wat's on my mind.. whoever don lyk it.. then don turn to me.. ask me.. for my opinions...cos either i wont b giving my most honest n truthful opinion... or... i simply wont ans ur qns...

frens... frens tat are considered my close frens.. sometimes.. i kip to myself.. i dun lyk to go abt .. sharing my probs... cos... i dun wan ppl to feel sad... pity me... or watever shit..

mayb u guys... dun tink tat way... but... some probs... i'll rather kip it.. i want everyone to appear happy.. or rather.. i want everyone to be happy... im a pleaser... i am... i lyk to please ppl.. make ppl happy... cos.. i'll feel happy too.. and feelin happy.. cos it helps to lessen my burdens...

i lyk to be there for everyone... but i noe.. it's impossible... still... i kip trying... perhaps... tat's where... the misunderstanding.. comes in...

my family ... mayb... im really not such a gd daughter... i dun pay much attention to them... i dun show them as much concern as i showed to my frens... but.. it really doesnt mean tat i dun love them... i do... not showin it out.. doesnt mean i dont...

i do things in e dark.. i dun lyk to be recognized... i do things.. i don lyk to show to everyone.. so tat ppl will noe how gd i am... no... im not...
i lyk to secretly make ppl happy... but they don understand...

my sis said... im owiz outside.. hav i ever show concern to my family members? she asked me.. am i aware tat my bro hurt his leg again.. and his hand during work ?

hw the hell wld i not noe !!!! i was home before her tat day... tat day when my bro hurt himself at work... ! i saw how badly his hand was... i asked him...
i noe abt tat... who says i dun.. how can she assume tat i didnt.. when she came back late tat nite?
the first thing i did... when i came back the next day.. was to go inside my bro's room.. asked him abt his hand... did she noe ?

SHE DIDNT !

well... so im da bad person again... forever... my mum dislikes me... cos i dance too much.. i dun show concern.. i spoiled my sis's laptop... i got attitude prob.. i speak w/o tinking.. i owiz made her worry...

fine...

watever shit.. i dun care...

and my sis... bcos of the laptop.. she blew her top at me.. we haben been speaking to each other.. for how long ? i dun rem...

she said.. i took her for granted... i dun respect her... fine... i dun.. im the worst bitch... worst sis.. worst daughter stil living in tis world...
i ought to be banished to hell... rite?

wat's da point of living now ? u tel me... living with who ? my family ? are they still my family members? family members tat forget ur birthday? how great is tat?

u tell me... yes.... mayb forgettin the bday is jus a small issue... but.. how can my sis even say tat to me... she said.. she wanted to call me ... on 1st of dec... to wish me happy bday... but.. bcos of tat... she said.. i dun even show any concern.. i dun respect her... why shd she even bother abt me... ? isnt she sweet to me ?

and my bro.. he totally forgotten abt my bday.. when my fren came to my place.. he bought me a cake... which none of my family members did... my bro came back with his fren.. he saw the cake.. he tot it's my fren's bday! how cool is tat? and my mum... she din even say... happy bday to me... not at all... nth... NTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here she is.. my sis.. complainin tat i dun show any concern towards family members? why? why dun i show any ? well, did she show any to me at all ? she noes abt my absence in sch.. did she even bother to ask ? NO.
did she ask abt my dance? no.. never... did she ask.. abt my work ? how i pay my bills when im nt workin? no.. she didnt...

and now she's complaining tat im not showing concern to her? she complainin tat i didnt ask her anythin abt her new job ???

since when did she show it to me ? i wrote a letter to her... few days back... she replied... the first sentence.. " ok, so you finally decided to take time to settle tis situation. was wondering if u even bother abt tis matter." wtf ?
i pluck up the courage to write to her... my tears are rolling down as i write the letter... does she even care? or she's tinkin is tat.. i dun bother abt it at all !

and here i am.. so troubled over the issue... not able to concentrate properly... feelin slpy everytime.. why? cos i owiz cant slp properly ! i owiz ended up cryin to my pillows....

and the last sentence... "talk to me only after you are sure that you want to change for the better"

.......... change? i don see a prob why i shd change... i dun see the prob.. it's not lyk.. i tink my attitude is owiz right.. no.. but i dun understand.. wat she's tryin to imply ... wat am i supposed to change?

huh? get back home early everyday? don go for dance prac ? show concern ? wat? everyday ask my sis how's her life ? her work ? check if my bro hurt himself again ?

to the hell with it lah..

tonight.. im supposed to go out.. for family dinner... celebrate my dad's bday... i dun even feel lyk goin... why? cos im no longer part of the family... they said.. i've neglected them... whenever they speak to me... im owiz givin them uninterested replies...

why don they tink... why am i reacting tis way? izzit bcos i got some probs in sch ? with frens ? they don .... or they tink was... im rude... i dun feel lyk talkin to my family any more... and thus.. they see no pt talkin to me...

my mum.... whenever she talks... she shouts... she no longer talks to me... i dun lyk it.. wat can i do ? shout back at her? i wouldn't... i'll jus kip quiet... cos no matter wat i say... im stil in da wrong... why? cos she's my mum....

i really don wanna go for the dinner... i wanna stay at home... slp.... cry my heart out... do they noe ? they dont... do they care? i doubt so...
i living alone.... no longer... do i feel the love.... it's a wrong for me to exist in this world...

no words shd come out frm my mouth again... then no probs will ever rise up... everyone will be happy... wont they? im jus a devil.. a trouble... tat brings unhappiness...

im hurt.. im upset... im heart broken... broken again... by my dearest ppl of all...

the pain is unbearable... it's everywhere... where can i go....everytime.. when the sky turns dark... i noe i must return.. return to the palace of ice... no more warmth in the house... no more love.. for me... i dun wish to go back... i'll rather loiter ard.. go out... alone...

don ask me.. abt tis.. i dun wish to talk.. treat me normally... not lyk im some kinda lost child w no family... i cant stay any longer... i hav to go... to somewhere.. where i wld b accepted.. wld b loved... if anythin tat holds me back frm leaving.. tat wld only be...

my frens...

~~*__ Broken into zillion of pieces _*~~

~~*__ never will it be back again __*~~

~*__ Unbearable pain, uncontrollable tears __*~

~*_____ tat's how im feelin now_____*~

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 8:22 PM

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