blacK solitude

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

well... im starting to cheer up... mayb jus a lil bit.. ha...
my mum... she did talk to me... talk as in ... the normal way kinda talk.. yeah... not shout.. nor
scream...
mmmm... my father... he's da nicest... which made me feel so god damn guilty... cos... rem... tat dinner im supposed to have it with my family ?

well... i lied... sayin tat my head hurts.... took panadol... wanna rest for a while first... and.. i slept at 9pm plus tat night...
then... ard midnight tat time... my father ... he woke me up... gave me a big bottle of water... put it right in front of my face... and ask me to drink...

he said... " hey.. drink more water... sick
should drink more water... later drink finish go back to slp bah.. "

the moment when he said tat... i feel lyk crying again.... my father... he's so nice to me...
yet... me as his daughter... lied to him... sayin im not well...

i felt really bad... perhaps... they were wrong to have given birth to me in e 1st place... sigh...

anyway... was talking to my mum jus now... she told me abt her 2 dreams... the 2 dreams... both about me...

first.. she dreamt tat.. she saw me standing outside my house... smoking... smoking in a hurry... cos im scared tat someone might catch me...

second dream... she dreamt tat someone was tryin to break into the house... she's blockin the entrance to our house... she tried to scream.. shout... nth came out ... then she saw me... standing at the telephone table... not helping her to block e ppl.. im just standing there... lookin at her... doin nth... then.. she screamed with all her might.... and... she woke up....

then... she cont saying... if there's any dissatisfaction with any of the family members... you shd talk it out... don ever kip it to urself... if u talk things out...
things will b solved... u'll feel much better too....

i kept quiet..... i dunno wat i shd say... how i shd reply... cos... i dun lyk to talk... i mean... sometimes... i wanna share my stuff with them.. or tell them how i feel when they do smthing... buden... i dunno how...

im not strong enuff... im... im just too emotional...
when it comes to family matters... whenever i tink of them... tink of the probs tat we're having.... i'll just feel damn sad... damn... sad.... i'll feel lyk crying...

which is why... i kip quiet... much as i want them to noe... but... my mouth just wont open... i tink... im scared... scared to cry in front of them... perhaps... i've put up a brave front for such a long long time.... most prob... they wont be used to seeing me cry anyway...

perhaps... they might even tink tat.. im such a cold blooded person... and i wont cry... cos.. i dun hav any feelings... i dunnno... lyk wat my sis said... im just so selfish... i dun give a damn to how my family feels... still.........

my mum... we've talked... my sis ? nah... not a chance... to talk...... who noes......... we might never be talking to each other again....

ytd.. went for hiphop clz... i felt lyk.. i cldn't dance at all... i dunno wth im doing.. i wont even consider wat i did ytd was dancing... cos... no... it wasn't,...

i cant rem the steps... once we've changed directions... i totally cant... i dunno why... suckiest dance ever... in my whole life.... i cant get e feel... i cant get e steps... i cant even freaking get e direction correct ! damn... made a whole damn lot of mistakes...

yeah.. ppl say.. learn frm the mistakes.. ya.. i noe lah.. im jus not happy with myself... i cant see a thing with my kinda standard... not to talk abt making my dream come true...

damn... i wanna go back hiphop again.. i nid to be versatile... i wanna b able.. to dance hiphop... to be able... to dance jazz funk.... my locking really sux... damn...

everything abt me is so wrong... why does everythin starts to crumble into my life now ? when... when will i b able.. to turn things ard... make things better? when?

i sat on the bus thinkin... tinking abt wat my buddy has said... she said... im a clubber... not a dancer.... mayb im really am... a clubber?

perhaps... i shdn't even step into dance... i shd jus go be a bartop dancer... wont tat be better? ha... wadever lah.. i cant afford to lose my concentration now... at least... wait till funka is over...

i nid a break.. i wanna go out.. go out of spore... alone... to a place.. where i can settle down my thoughts... where i can live... w/o any troubles awaiting for me....
where i dun hav to ans to anyone... dun hav to lie to anyone... where... i can cry when im sad..... luff out loud when im happy...

i finally understand the sentence... " it's time for me to go.. " i do feel lyk.. now is the time.. for me to really go... leave... and mayb... nv come back ? i
dunno... it all depends...
depends on wat?
no idea....

perhaps... im tinkin too damn much... i do tink alot.. im a thinker... cant blame... i dun wan to be
thinkin too... but... i just cant help...
frens ard me.. changing... ha.. ya..changing again... cant b helped... ppl do change... dont they? i do too... so i cant blame them...

xiong msg me... on sunday nite... a msg tat made me troubled n confused after reading the msg.... i din reply him... cos i dunno wat to say...

i dun wanna tink abt tis prob now...
guys...
not a big issue to me...

bf?
i can live w/o one...
im independent.... im free... and i cant commit.... mayb i'll go for
flings... better still.. no strings attached...

long entry.. time to stop.. bye.

~~*___ As darkness crawls in ___*~~~

~~*___ Cold air filled the room ___*~~~

~~~*___Alone in the shadows___*~~~

~~*__Finding the meaning to this life__*~~

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 11:59 PM

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