blacK solitude

Thursday, September 08, 2005

guys....

words cant express how thankful i am to have all of your support.... concern..... everything....

i koe... i made all of u worried....

cos i went missing for days....

i don go online....

i don pick up calls...

i don switch on hp...

i don reply any message....

and i don turn up for dance....

simply.... for the past few days.....

i've been nowhere but in my room....

thinking....

recovering....

and studying at da same time....

sounds amazing hw i even manage to study rite?

well, i nid to do smthing... in order to take some things off my mind....

of cos, i have to admit tat...

i wasn't feelin any better when i woke up on sunday....

ppl said, it'll b fine after u had a good rest... the next day... will b a brand.. new... fresh day for u...

well,

it doesn't work for me....

the min once i opened my eyes on sunday...

wat came into my mind immediately....

was....

yesterday... wasn't a dream....

M.G didn't get into suntec finals...

I wont b able to dance...

on suntec finals....

and i broke down again....

for the whole day....

i did nth.... but lied on my bed.....

perhaps.... u guys might not understand...

why am i doin all these....

why am i so affected by a competition....

why.... why... why....

i guess.... bcos......

firstly....

suntec dance.... is the very first big comp tat i've ever joined last year.... tat ann picked me... out of so many very good seniors... to go and compete against all the professional dancers out there.....

i've learnt.... seeen.... and been thru alot.... frm Suntec Dance.... it is an impt dance competiton to me....

secondly....

i've never faced any failures before.... never..... i've joined so many dance competitions before.....
and none..... none of the competitions... hav i not gotten thru the heats before...........

NONE...........

thirdly....

i hav certain expectations...... for myself..... i've seen the dance clip of our grp tat day.... nth much... nt impressive.... (referring to myself) i dunno why am i dancing lydat.... everythin.. tat ann corrected... wasn't there.... i .... i... koe i cld do much better than tat..... all bcos of my damn knee..... my damn knee..... hurts so much tat i couldn't even bend nor straighten on fri night.... and on sat morning, i bend my knee.... and i can feel the joint.... moving up and down....

all bcos of my knee... i feel lyk... i've pulled down the whole grp..... i'm da one who caused all these.....

not to say abt the fact tat i've put Suntec Dance as my very first priority.... and i wanted to show ann tat our grp can be dependent.... we can practise on our own w/o her checkin on us everytime....

so i owiz msg M.G ... remind them to come for training... we're owiz practicing.... but it's too much... until almost the whole crew is down with injuries....

joyce's ankle...

yen's ankle...

ariel's back....

bunny's back...

my knee....

i jus kip pushin them.... kip tellin them tat we nid to train... we can't slack...... but... i din even giv enuff time for everyone to rest... including myself.......
i.... tot....... it's the right way... but im wrong.... i overshot the limit.... they're humans... not robots... humans... nid to rest... to recharge back their energy.... even robots also nid to rest and change batteries... not to mention humans....

bcos of my selfishness.... everyone was jus too tired to perform their best on tat day...

i blamed myself....

i dunno hw to face everyone... dunno hw to stand up again... smile and dance again... treat it lyk an experience... i really dunno how...

which was why... i chose to run... to hide away... in order to forget everything.... or least... some of e things....

perhaps... u all might not realise the importance of the competition to me...

but......

hav u seen the amt of effort i've put in for suntec..?
not only referring to the dance part... everything... frm inside... to outside... frm nra... to my family.... how much effort i've put ?? did u noe ? any idea??

no..... u dunno.....

so... don judge me... if u dunno....

i dun wan ppl to pity me..... or even to despise me... bcos i cannot accept failure.....

i can accept it..... it's jus tat... i dunno hw to accept it...

jus imagine.... ur hope.... ur big hope.... everythin tat u've hope for...

is smashed.... into bits and pieces ......

right under ur own eyes....

how do u feel abt accepting it ???

i noe... i will step out of the dark..... though it is a big failure to me.... i will not b easily defeated...

perhaps i jus nid more.... time.... ??

yes, time again.... time... is jus an excuse... i koe...

but.... put urself in my shoes....

hw cld u recover within a short period ???

sounds contradicting.... but i believe.... i will get over it..... not fast.... but i will.....

anyway....

during the 'missing' period.... wanna thank all those who showered care and concern over me...

thank you....

all the lil acts and msgs were deeply appreciated....

to minz and joyce... thanx for making e effort... in getting the "Pinkiez Bag" thanx....

hope tat by the time... im back at the studio.... there aint any drastic changes....

hope tat ppl ... still remain da same.....

or will they not ??

god noes...

~~__Standing high and tall__

___Yet the one who falls___

___is none other than___

___the one who made the calls___~~

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 5:28 PM

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