blacK solitude

Friday, September 30, 2005

yesterday... we met up.... late at night...

with much hesitations and considerations..

upon reachin the place...

i stood outside... watching... tinkin... of wat to say...

bracing myself ... telling myself to be strong... not to run away tis time round...

i msg him... ask him where he is... told him im inside oredi..

he said he'll come n look for me instead...

but i cldn't wait there any longer...

i walked... i jus kip walking... then ... saw some familiar faces sitting outside coffee bean area..

i quickly walked away.... changed direction... hopin they wldn't see me...

and... i continued walking...

reached mac... decided to mit him there instead...

while waitin for him... i got the urge to take bus back... nt wanting to face him again..

but i didnt.... forced myself to stay...

and he came....

as usual... his hands.. r owiz full of things...

he changed his hair color...

i looked at him... and quickly divert my attention to my hp instead...

we kept quiet... i kip staring at my hp...

then...

he broke the silence.. by askin... whether hav i taken my dinner...

then...

i went straight to da point... asked him wat he wanna talk to me abt...

then.. he asked abt my decison... regarding... e qns he'd asked previously...

i jus said... i give up...

he remained silent...

then i told him... im nt da kinda gal.. he tot i am... i cant commit in a relationship.. at all...

when im bored with a guy... i'll jus leave.. dump him.. if tat's wat u call... then i'll go find myself another one..

yes ... im da kinda gal... i get bored easily...

he simply don believe my words...

he said... he don mind i don commit... he said... committment are only for marriage...

wtf.... he DON GET IT !

i said.. u dun get wat i mean... so u're sayin... i can don commit yeah?

so i can go out with other guys... when im with u ? is tat it ? no commitments right ?

he was shocked...

he said... of cos not.. he don mean lydat... he can giv me all da freedom i want...

he wont want me to report to him... abt things i've done... or are doing... he'll give me ... everything...

so long as i giv him another chance... to let him prove it...

i kept silent... tinking... why... why must he be so gd to me ?

i continued... telling him my theory.. on relationship... to me... every relationship r jus lyk vase... once it's broken...

even if it's been mended back with da strongest glue on earth.. there bound to be scars ard.. and soon...

the vase wld b in pieces again...

i see no pt in puttin back e vase together.. which is why.. i chose... to buy a new vase...

he argued back... sayin wat if.. the new vase is not better than the original one... ?

i jus said.... then i'll jus simply throw away.. and not look for any vases... i can survive w/o one..

i told him again.. tat ... frens r v impt to me.. other than my family... bf... doesnt hav any place in my heart..

even if it has... it'll b in da last place...

again.. he said.. he don mind...

and i told him straight in the eye...

that he doesn't mean anything to me.... i can jus easily forget him... yeah.. the memories are not gonna b forgotten...i admit...

but i can forget him... i can get over him.. find myself a new guy...

i noe.. tat sentence sux.. i cant imagine myself sayin tat.. i've hurt him...

yet... he said..

he jus wanna b there for me... when im sad.. he can console me.. he wanna share my sorrows.. my happiness...

i bit my lips to hold back my tears...

i told him... he'll b able to forget... im jus a passer-by in his life....

but he wont believe wadever i've told him...

he asked... why must i lie to him ?

why am i telling all these lies? just to make him giv up on me... ? most of all.. why must i lie to myself.. tat i dun hav any feelings for him.... ?

i simply said.. i din lie.. tat's me.. im jus lettin u noe the real me.. tat im jus a real bitch...

i told him... he gave in to me.. too much... he treats me way too gd...

and i've warned him b4.. not to treat me so gd...

i told him.. hw i feel abt him... feel lyk we've exchanged positions... im da guy.. he's da gal..

he's owiz so soft on me... i cant stand it...

i dun lyk to be da one.. making all e decisions...

he listened...

then he said...

he jus want ... one more chance.. to change... to prove it.. he'll change.. for me...

damnit... WHY MUST HE BE SO GODDAMN NICE TO ME ? I DUN DESERVE IT AT ALL !!!!

he jus wont giv up....

im tired...

i told him.. we cont again... i asked him to leave.... cos i noe.. im gonna cry... n i dun wan him seeing tat...

before he left..

he said...he'll wait.. wait forever.. he wont jus giv up... cos he stil sees hope in it...

he don wanna regret.. and it's nt lyk.. he din try forgettin me... he jus cldn't do it...

and he left...

i sat in the seat... tears formin.... i blinked away.. don wanna cry in e public...

then... took e things he brought...

then... i walked....

waited at the bus stop ....

and then... i cried....

i din koe... why i was so upset... so affected...

perhaps...

i've been acting strong for too long... i dunno why im nt givin in to him.... dunno why i kip holdin back...

when all he want to do ... is jus to love me.... to care for me...

yet im nt letting him....

perhaps...

im scared... scared of relationships... scared of gettin hurt.... scared... of everything...

or im jus trying to b strong... too strong....

perhaps... im jus as weak... vulernable... as others...

e bus came... i dried my tears... went to e last seat....

and then... the tears continued again...

soon... i reached my place... but i cldn't go up...

i dun feel lyk goin back home....

my mind's a mess.... i dunno wat im tinkin.. wat im feelin... wat im supposed to do...

so i walked... walked ard jurong... walked to where ... i used to hav tuition... jus kip walking...

walked to where zl's block... walked... and walked...

until... my legs r tired... then rested on a bench.... right in e open sky...

where i sat there... thinkin... breathing... lookin up at the stars..

i opened up the box... tat he brought for me...

inside was a photo frame... both of us.... and a card....

dun tink i nid to elaborate on wat's written inside the card...

i tot to myself...

wat was it that... i cldn't let him... let him take care of me...

why wont i jus giv in... evrythin wld b fine...

i simply had no ans to tat...

perhaps...

i wanna prove to myself tat im strong... i dun nid anyone's help...

been tinkin... nv hav i accepted someone's help before...

when im really in deep shit... in total sadness...

i'll jus cry myself to slp... cry alone... walked away...
why izzit so ??

i dunnno....

mayb cos... i dun wan ppl to see ... the other side of me....

i've oredi let ppl see too much... see hw i loses my temper easily....

see hw affected i am when im havin mood swings...

tat's nt wat i want...

perhaps... i cant afford... to b sad....

too many ppl... are oredi lydat.... i shdn't add on to it...

instead... i shd b happy... helping .. cheerin them on....

i jus cldn't fall down now... not now... not forever....

yes... im upset now....

mayb i'll get tis over soon... i dunno....

im starting... to kip things to myself again.... i no longer... share things with my sis... or my mum....

when i cry... i waited for the whole family to b aslp... and then i cry....

when i noe im gonna cry... n everyone is stil awake..

i cry in the bathroom.. while showering......

i dun wanna show any signs of weakness to my family members too....

i noe i sucks at dealin with relationships... don come bombardin me ... with all these...
why is he so persistent...

shd i jus.... agree..... once and for all....
not havin to worry anymore....

jus... fall into his arms... cry... weep lyk a baby....
not wantin to stand up and pretend to b strong... ?

i cldn't find the ans at all...
been tinkin all night.. tryin to divert the sadness by keeping myself busy with e books i've
borrowed..

i only managed to fall aslp... tis morning... 7 am plus...
woke up at 11 plus... cldn't slp well....

i needed a walk again... badly...

~~~*_________ Falling ___________

_____ falling hard to reality ____

______ smashed into my head ____

_____ breaking up the barriers _______

____ that were once built by me _____*~~~

~ v0nny a.K.a v|oLet ~ was alone 3:28 PM

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